Why don't you brusie?

I totally loved it when Daniel Blum said that to Ofreo in "Fiend". That statement made me like daniel as a charcter in these stories even more. I mean I totally feel that way too. So, Joesph yes that pissed me off when you said I couldn't leave marks on you. I am a bitter. I like to bite people. Anyway I'm having like a craving to be with a girl now. Oh, and NO, you can't join in, you can't watch and you can't know who she is. I not going to share anymore. Mine Mine Mine and that is all there is to it.


I feel right now that i'm being hard on my "friends". Or rather i'm not putting up with their shit as much and now it seems that i'm losing them. The only problem is that i don't make friends so easy that I can just be whatever about it. Miss Tiffany Jones....I've tried with you. I call you and call you to make sure you're okay and you never answer or call back. So, tomorrow is my last try. I will make my last try in being your friend. Now I do love you but I will now be ignored any longer. I've always felt that if something is important to you, you will make time for it. I've seen you once in three years then can't get a call back. So it's clear that I'm not important to you anymore. I know you have your hands full but once again if I was important you would make the time. You don't. I was planning to make a full come back in your life and be a real part of you and your child's life. Now in this three year period of not seeing you, the only contact information about me that has changed is my cell phone number. So i feel there is no reason for not contacting me if you really wanted to. Remember what you said about Sheena and why you really stopped talking to her. Well that is the same reason i stopped talking to you. Why should i be the one making the effort all the time. I still love you like a sister. I will be there for you if you are in a terrible need of someone. If i don't see an effort made then that's all it will ever be.

Nolan is forgiven of course because i couldn't be mad at him if i wanted to. Besides we are mainly just penpals.

Val i ask for you forgivness because i should be a better friend to you. I do miss you very much. Then again my home number hasn't changed either.

last of journaling transfer

When I look at this picture I see my friend tiffany and I. Tiffany is the one with the blue dress on. The one with alot of power not only in what she is doing but in every aspect of her life. Now that i actually read the rest of this.....it's a load of crap. so i'm not going to post the rest of it.

reading of vampires

So, I've recently finished reading the series of vampire books by jemiah jefferson. I do like the way she put things in her book. In the last books she puts things in a way that I never thought about. I mean I've expected that vampires can't have babies...like duh! But I had not even thought about that for women that where turned they would stay in the same state until other death. One of them was on my cycle when she was turned so she will always be on her cycle throughout her vampire life. I would not be able to handle that. I mean i have been there before. I've been for a time where on I was on my cycle for a year. It's not fun at all. I still hate getting it. My mom hates when I get it because i'll be all frowned up and she's ask me what's wrong and I'll tell her, "I'm a girl" She's get so mad at me about that. Sometimes she'll be playful about it and be like "again?"

A poem or something

This was sent to me from Eli like 6 years ago

My Thoughts Of You

how can you love someone
with a feeling so passionate that it makes
your heart skip a beat at
the sound of his voice?
How can feel his hands on you
when he has never touched you?
how can you feel his lips kiss yours
when you has never whispered your name in the night?
a love with sucj passion that life could have never knowit it in you wildest dreams
or lif it wouc hever be possible woudl you truen it away in the that it could not be real for you had never know such a love. for this love i would take the chance of heartbreak
for i have known a lifetime of hearbreal and heatbreak in itself is of a temporary nature if we allow it to be
but to know just one moment in my life with such passion such feeling such want such need
i owuld give myslef entirely without regret
without sorrow without remose to you
your wants
your needs
your love
your life
to deny sch a love could be the most fatal ofmistakes
to deny myself your love would be an in justice within itslef to the name of love
the love you wait a lifetime for
a love so strong that heaven or earth could stop it from being
a love for you and I
a love for eternity

transfering J to J

The first page was about mike f. so it's not that important so i'm going to copy that onto here. The next page starts i poem i use to love.

CANDY APPLE RED
as I sit here
with swollen cheeks
and tears still drying
upon my face
but leaving tracks behind
on the skin they've cleansed
like two snails
in the world's slowest race
I wonder about things
i could have done differently
and if i could have changed
would things have turn out the same?
in so much despair and fear?
would i still be so hurt and so mad?
that i'd still hang my head in shame?
so here, i still sit
hands coverd in blood
bright like candy-apple red
with water floating up past my toes
a richer red, alomost purple like a turnip
i hear the soft music of water
as it continues to fill the tub
and see bubbles coming from her nose
the last bit of air escapes from here
and i look once afain at the rips of flesh
just below her hands
the blood has stopped it's gushing flow
but occasionally a drop falls
mushrooming spreading outward
seperating into other drops
color thinning as it goes
the tears came again
freshening my drying face
"why" i ask myself "did you do this to yourself?"
but the answer never does come
and i'm left to wonder on my own
i draw blood from my own hands
as the nails dig deep into the skin
of my clinched fists and my fingers
still colored candy-apple red go numb
gravity takes it's toll
and i sink to the floor
bruising my jeans with her blood
the thought still runs through my head
"what could i have changed?"
and suddenly i can't take anymore
and begin to faint
wisihing that i woo could be dead
as i lay on the floor
drenched with candy-apple red.


Then there is EDEA'S Speech

....Lowlifes
....Shameless fithy wretches
How you celebrate my ascension with such joy
Hailing the very one who you have condemned for generations
Have you NO SHAME?
What happened to the evil ruthless sorceress from you fantasies?
The cold-blooded tyrant that slaughtered countless men and destroyed many nations?
Where is she now?
She stand before your very eyest to become your new ruler
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
A new era had just begun
This is reality
No one can help you, sit back and enjoy the show
Rest assured you fools your time will come
this is only the beginning
let us start a regn of terror
I will let you live a fantasy beyond your imagnations
[let us end this ceremony with a sacrifice]


eli
michael
david
joseph
william
other michael
jsuting
kurtis
david
dita and john
roman
joseph burns
max
aron

talking to friends

so this is a letter i got from a friend that i haven't talked to in awhile


…Would be a fair question to ask yourself. Heh.Sorry it’s been ages since I wrote (If I freely admit that I suck for notwriting sooner, does that make it any better?)I’ve been spending my recent months in the throes of addiction, workstress, generally an existential funk. Been working for the insurancecompany since January ’05 and the work is definitely the sort that cangrind a person down. I figured a desk job would always be better than anything retail, but Ithink I’ve corrected myself there. Heh. Not only am I doing “customerservice” stuff all day on the phone, but it’s like having a big long lineof “trouble customers” to deal with rather than just your run-of-the-millregister ringing. People are stupid. They can’t handle the fact that they (or their preciousteenage daughters) just MIGHT be at fault for that accident. Thematerialism is disgusting when people couldn’t care less about the injuriesinvolved, but only want to know when the paint damage to their preciousbaby car is going to be fixed… You get the idea. I’m ready for a new job. Or after the fact that I’ve been working nonstop since I was only 16, I’mready to just not work at all for a while and let Alan carry more of the load.Alan’s still doing his internship thing. 24-32 hrs/week programming for ahousing company. He’s bored more often than not, but getting good workexperience that’ll look great on a resume. His coworkers are a littlematerialistic/bloodthirsty (buying up property in New Orleans area whileit’s cheap because of Katrina, for example) but at least he doesn’t have todeal with customers. He can set his own pace and just do his job. GoodLord, I wish I could do the same…So yeah. Work is work. And I hate to be the type of person who definesthemselves by their career, so I’ll try focus on the free time.When I get home exhausted at the end of each day, I usually crash in frontof the computer. From... when? February to October or so I had the VampireHunter D RPG online. That was a /great/ “waste” of time. Totallyincreased my writing skill and was a load of fun. Only kicker was the factthat it totally stole my time away from Alan. And, of course, it wasdemoralizing when the site got shut down twice, not to be resurrected afterthe second time… Another good thing that came out of the RPG is that it’s the inspirationfor a new novel I’m writing [in my head] called, “Almost Human.” Goodstuff there. I made sure to cut out all the VHD-specific stuff so as notto infringe on copyright, but it’s loosely based on the main originalcharacters I was writing about. Set in a post-apocalyptic world… I’ll boreyou with the details if you’re ever interested. Hehe Now I’ve got thatnovel as well as “Bard’s Lie” cooking and they’re both getting prettywell-formed. Throw in the fact that I think I could probably stretch theVampire Kole fiction into a novel-length manuscript, and I’ve got some goodideas down (so even if I write out one manuscript that gets rejected bypublishers, I can sit down and start working on a second or third)Which brings me to my next point: I might get to stop working and writefull time soon! Yay! Alan graduated college in December. I was tryinghard not to be a nagging bitch about him job hunting (mistake on my part)so rather than starting his job hunt 3 months before graduating like hereally should have, he didn’t really start until he’d already graduated. The one place we knew we did NOT want to live is California. The plan wasto move to Canada, but that proved harder than we originally thought. There’s two ways to get a visa to move up there: You need a “business”visa where you have at least one year of full-time technical work (my yearof insurance work counts, but Alan’s only been part time the last year forhis computer programming) or you need a company to extend a job offer. Butof course, no company is going to extend an offer to someone out-of-countryunless you can already legally work in Canada. So it’s kind of a Catch-22. Alan’s applied to a fair number of Canadian companies, but he’s been alsolooking inside US as a back-up plan.We’ve mostly been focusing our search in Seattle, WA and Portland, OR. They’re liberal/democratic, more laid-back culturally, and still closeenough that we might see our parents once in a while. (But we gotta focuson large cities that would have computer programming jobs for Alan). Alan’s ideal job would be to work as a programmer for World Vision(Christian-based non-profit organization that’s in Seattle and helps peoplein the third world) but he hasn’t heard back from them yet. He just hisfirst call-back from Amazon.com (also based in Seattle) and he’s got anover-the-phone technical interview scheduled for this week. So he may havea job offer in just a week or so! (If you’re the religious sort, yourprayers for him getting a job would be greatly appreciated)The reason I’m gnawing on the desk in eagerness for Alan to get employed isnot just so I can leave my current job or so we can make more money. If hegets employed, we can leave the state and hopefully find a morekind-hearted (or at least less materialistic) culture outside of CA aaaaandhis one income would be about as much as our current combined income whichwould give me the chance NOT WORK for a while. I think I’d go stir crazyand get bored before long and pick up a job (at least part time)eventually, but I’ve been working 1-4 jobs all the time for the last 8years of my life while Alan usually works 0-1 job, so I’m ready to let himtake the burden for a bit. And not only that—I’m going to finally write my book! Without a 10-hourjob sucking up all my free time like the corporate leech it is (whew! Bitterness coming through there…) I’ll have all day to get my ideas down. Writing full-time, I could finally have my manuscript written in just 3-5months to submit for publication, and that’s assuming I only write 3pages/day. Plus, if I have tons of time at home, I could keep the houseclean and learn more gourmet cooking than mac ‘n’ cheese, plus all thoseother things I’ve been hoping my life could be one day… All things gowell, and I’ll soon be published. =) Then I can write as a second sourceof income and if I get well-published enough, then it can be Alan’s turn toquit and I’ll support us both for the rest of our lives with my writing. So we’re kind of playing “income leapfrog” right now. Hehe.In the meantime, this waiting game is killing me. It’s like there’s allthese beautiful glimmering things just over the horizon, but in themeantime, Alan and I have no idea where he’s going to work, what state oreven what /country/ we’re going to live in… We may have a job offer in aslittle as two weeks or as long as another 3 months… Alan’s getting an eyetwitch (the kind other people can’t see, but he can feel) and chest painsfrom the stress, so for both our sakes, I hope we can find our future soon. I want to have a house instead of an apartment, I want to write my novels,I want…So in the meantime, Alan and I are both working in jobs we know we have nointention of staying with. We’re living in an apartment and city we haveno plans to linger in. It’s a little depressing in the meantime. We’rediscouraged from meeting new people or exploring our own neighborhood,since we’re just going to leave soon anyway. Thus, we spend all of our free time hiding away indoors in our apartmentblowing our free time on the stupidest crap as if we’re just trying tofast-forward through life. Ever since the Vampire Hunter D board shutdown, Alan and I got addicted (I mean this literally) to an online game,World of Warcraft. If you’re looking for a good time sink, this is it. The game is a total blast to play and there’s hundreds and thousands ofhours of gameplay and always new things to explore. It kind of took ourlives over to the point that the second we’d get home, we’d just online andplay (always together at least). But it got the point where we never wentout, we never exercised, cooked together, or did anything but play thatdamned game. We even pretty much stopped cleaning the house and our sexlife took a dive.If we weren’t frantically grinding through cyberspace in that game, we’d bewasting our time with cheesy movies. We don’t have even basic cablebecause we both dislike TV so much, we got the “all you can rent” pass atBlockbuster. From there, we just rent dozens and dozens of movies eachmonth. But not artistic movies or thought-provoking ones—we’d just pick upthe dumbest, cheesiest horror movies or action movies we could find. Thencrash on the couch and drink ourselves into oblivion while watching comehorrible movie. We were never really that into the horror genre (or badmovies) before, but lately we can’t get enough of it. As corny as itsounds, I think it was a subtle form of self-punishment. At least,speaking for myself. Drinking until you can’t remember the day before andwatching movies that don’t stir your brainwaves beyond a flatline… It’skind of like sleeping around with people you don’t respect or doing anyother disgusting habits that degrade more than entertain.Bah. Trying to overcome that. Alan and I just recently (and I mean, “justlast weekend” recently) realized what an addiction the online game hadbecome. We cancelled our accounts, bid goodbye to our in-game friends andfelt immediately FREE. We took a 2-hour walk around our neighborhoodholding hands and just enjoying the weather. No pressure to be doinganything else, just enjoying each other’s company. Spent the whole daysober and offline was a wonderful feeling. Finally being free from theshackles of gaming addiction is also what finally got me around to writingthis painfully-overdue letter. =) So, huzzah!Anyway, I’m kind of glad I’m writing this now rather than a week ago. WithAlan getting his first job call-back on Friday and us ditching the gamehabit on Saturday, I’m a much happier person lately. This looming cloud of“uncertain future” is still clawing at my insides, but at least I knowwherever we’re headed is going to be good. Well, different at least. =) A new job, a chance to write, to grow, to hopefully buy a house and get apermanent address and do something more meaningful with myself.Alan just got an X-Box 360 as a graduation gift, so he’s got games to playand his digital art to work on, but I’m still looking for a new hobby toscrew around with. If you know of any good online forums or text-basedRPGs I could try out, let me know, won’t you? I’m thinking of biting thebullet and writing a Blog sometime, too. Just gotta kick my reflexivedistaste from assuming those things are always angsty and “emo”. HeheThanks (belatedly!) for the generous birthday presents. =) We're so cheapwe never turn on the heat, so the candles were awesome (and we've alreadyhappily burned them away to nothing from so many lightings) and the nicebath stuff was motivation for us to bathe together which we haven't done inforever. I apologize for being so bad about writing you back, but I really-do- appreciate the way you remember our birthdays and wish us well aroundthe holidays. I'm wonderfully happy with Alan, but we're a little aloneand isolated together, you know? It's nice to have a friend thinking of uson the holidays.Sorry again for me taking so effing long to write you back (and for thisletter being so long-winded and self-centered). If you get some free time,I’d love a reply letter to find out what you’ve been up to lately. Did youhave a good Christmas? I hope 2006 is getting off to a good start for you,too...Thinking of you (NXXXX XXH)

for the start of this letter i don't even remember the question i asked. But i'm really happy to hear from him.

taking it online

I guess the first thing that I'm going to do when I make a real post is to start to transfer my real journals online. After that i'll probably throw away eveything and start over. There is only one of my journals that i'm going to keep and i'll place alot of this from other in it and that is the red journal. I've haven't done anything with it in a long time so it's about time. I guess that is the whole thing about it. Making time to get it done. i always find something else that i should be doing or just plain lazy and don't do it.