Living Through Dragon Days

eye doctor

2006-10-14T23:12:00.000-04:00

So, I went to the eye doctor today. Yes I do need glasses, that I will have to wear all the time. So it ended up being only about $200 that I had to pay for the glasses all together. The insurance paid a little over $300 in total. Now I really don't know about the frames I got. I know for sure with the glasses on, it going to make me want to wear my hair down. I usually just put it in a bun because it's the easy way to it without putting much time into it in the morning. So this just means that I'm just going to have to spend the 4-6 hours getting my hair braided now.

2006-09-30T23:30:00.000-04:00

So I'm still stuck in Star Ocean and I've started playing Chaos Legion again. (doing a little better now that I know how the battle system works.) I hope to have a chance to get some more tickets to see James Blunt so that now I can actually take someone with me. I hope to get a certain tickets. I'm going to have to juggle some things around but I think I can do it. It sucks to not to really have anyone to go with. The one person that offered to pay for the her ticket if I got her one I don't really trust. I've had plans with her before and when the time came to go or whatever and I try to call her or whatever she won't answer and when you do finally get in touch with her she says she forgot all about we had plans. So I might end up going with my nephew. I would have liked to have went with Samatha but I don't kno what happened to her.

2006-09-30T23:29:00.000-04:00

The Portrait of the Inspector Guardian
mood: amused
music: Don't Foget About Us: Mariah CareyISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging) D.Keirsey
Inspector Guardians look carefully and thoroughly at the people and institutions around them. Making up perhaps as much as ten percent of the general population, Inspectors are characterized by decisiveness in practical affairs, are the guardians of institutions, and if only one adjective could be selected, "superdependable" would best describe them. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are nothing if not dependable, particularly when it comes to examining the people and products they are responsible for-quietly seeing to it that uniform quality is maintained, and that those around them uphold certain standards of attitude and conduct. I think that is true about me for the most part. I don't like not being someone that doesn't have something done that I should have done.
These quiet, no-nonsense Guardians have a distaste for and distrust of fanciness in speech, dress, and living space. Their words tend to be simple and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often homespun and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than up-to-date or luxurious. In their choice of personal property (cars, furnishings, jewelry, and so on) price and durability are just as important as comfort or appearance. Classics, antiques, and heirlooms are especially valued, having achieved a certain time-honored status-Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time. Even on vacation, Inspectors tend not to be attracted by exotic foods, beverages, or locales. Yeah, I'm not into name brands or anything like that. As long as it fits and something that i like i'm happy (since as soon as I get home clothes come off anyway. I'm not so neat in my room. Maybe if the house was actually mine i owuld take better care of it. The food thing is true because i find myself scared of trying to many new foods and drinks and all that.
Their thoroughness and orderliness, combined with their interest in legality and standardization, leads Inspectors to a number of occupations that call for the careful administration of goods and services. Inspectors feel right at home with difficult, detailed forms and columns of figures, and thus they make excellent bank examiners, auditors, accountants, and tax attorneys. Managing investments in securities is likely to interest this type, particularly investments in municipal bonds and blue-chip securities. Inspectors are not likely to take chances either with their own or others' money, and the thought of a bankrupt nation, state, institution, or family gives them more than a little uneasiness. The idea of dishonoring a contract also bothers an Inspector -their word is their bond-and they naturally communicate a message of trustworthiness and stability, which can make them successful in business. With their eye for detail, Inspectors make good business men and women, librarians, dentists, optometrists, legal secretaries, and law researchers. High school and college teachers of business administration, home economics, physical education, civics, and history tend to be Inspectors, as do quartermaster officers in the military.So, all in all this is really accurate even in the job. (working in a bank type situation) I've always loved math though. What really got me not so into was a bad teacher. She would just be like "You know what you know and what you don't know you don't know." You are suppose to teach us what we don't know!!!! That was alittle depressing also because she also taught at a college and would be us (her high school students) grading their papers. I also hate not being able to keep my word. I also hate that in other people too...______________________________________________________________________________ J. ButtISTJs are often called inspectors. They have a keen sense of right and wrong, especially in their area of interest and/or responsibility. They are noted for devotion to duty. Punctuality is a watchword of the ISTJ. The secretary, clerk, or business(wo)man by whom others set their clocks is likely to be an ISTJ.As do other Introverted Thinkers, ISTJs often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss. I get that all the time, that I look mean or cold or uncaring.ISTJs are easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments. But they usually keep their feelings to themselves unless they are asked. And when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact. The grim determination of the ISTJ vindicates itself in officiation of sports events, judiciary functions, or an other situation which requires making tough calls and sticking to them.This is the problem I have with my RL friends. I love them but I can't be around them for to long because of this.
Famous ISTJs:
Thomas (Christ's disciple)
U.S. Presidents:
George Washington
Andrew Johnson
Benjamin Harrison
Herbert Hoover
George H. W. Bush
Paul Coverdale (U.S. Senator, R-GA)Jackie Joyner-Kersee (U.S. Olympic athlete)Evander Holyfield, heavyweight boxing champion
Fictional ISTJs:
Joe FridayMr. Martin (hero of James Thurber's Sitting in the Catbird Seat)Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh) (My favorite character from winnie the pooh)Fred Mertz (I Love Lucy)

final wishes

2006-09-30T23:26:00.000-04:00

A friend of the family husband died on Sunday. His funeral is today. It was not a surpise or anything he has been sick for a long time now. I believe he had cancer. He had planned his funeral himself. There were things that he didn't want done. The number one thing that is bring to ask the question/make the post about this is, he did not want his children coming to the funeral. I don't know the detail about it, whether it's just the funeral or what. I can understand that because one of them is really young. The other one is a little older and she's been asking a lot of questions. Their mother said that she was going to take them away even though it's against his wishes. The way I see it, it's not just his kids that he is like this with. He said he didn't want people staring at him a long time. So he wanted the viewing for 30mins. I understand her said to about how to deal with the questions that they are going to ask and it will be a little easier if they see/know what's going on.
My mom was saying that she thinks that is right because right now she is the one raising her kids and no one else can tell you how to raise your kids. My mom said that she took my sisters to their father's funeral. (well all of them except me, I was only 4 when my father died but I'm the one that found him so what's the difference there?) She said that I really didn't have any questions or anything.

Anyway Lisa (this girl well woman that I'm talking to right now) has been very sweet to me lately. I don't know much about her yet we just started talking. She lives in Washington. She I think she said she teaches math, I don't remember but I know she is a teacher. I told her that I don't have a passion for anythingright now.My question is how much do you vaule the wishes of the dead?

reading

2006-06-08T10:05:00.000-04:00

I've never cried so much when reading a book. I mean so far three people have been killed and i've cried for all of them. I guess maybe it's because they are so innocent. I've never really cared before or at least not this much when people died in the a book. I guess I also feel a little bad/sad for the main character, because she is the one that has to find these people that she works for/cares about dead. I mean the first guy that she worked was so sweet and nice and old and didn't deserve to get killed that way. I was horrified when I read it.

sleeping

2006-05-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

I was talking to Nolan yesterday about sleeping. Things that I do in my sleep...etc. Now after thinking about it I have always had a problem with sleeping in the bed with the person I'm dating. Things were never the same with my last ex(roman) after I told him I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him. Lol...it's really funny to me now. He was so mad...lol. Anyway, the problem with him was that he was a very light sleeper. If I turned or got of bed or anything it would wake him up. So that in turn made me uncomfortable because I was so aware of my movements around him. Plus I never got that comfort in his bed because I sleep on 6 pillows. 1 to fall behind the bed, 1 to hold, 1 between my knees and 3 (2 regular and 1 buckwheat) to sleep on. Joseph we talked about it one time but I haven't sleep in a bed with him yet. He was so whatever about it because he was like he would never tell anyone that he couldn't sleep in the same bed with them. He says he would get use to them within 3 nights. Well, good for you mister man. I'm not like that and I'm not going to pretend that I am. Dita...she use to get so mad at me in morning. I did like sleeping with her though. She just had thing about not getting into bed with clothes on. I remember the first time I did that and she looked at me like I lost my damn mind. (that was funny too...I could only imagine my face going like....'what?') During the time I was with her I was working stock and would have to start getting ready for work around 4:30-5am. She didn't usually get up until about 8 or 9am. I would be up before her so I would go start during things around her house...like the dishes or picking stuff up. She would get mad about waking up and I'm not there. My point is I'm not going to wake you up, that feels so rude to me. I'm not going to stay in bed either. I would always have to go through the foot of the bed to get out too. Their bed was agaist the wall. It was like a tight fit there was only about 10" from the foot of the bed and the wall. I would have to try to walk between that space to get out of bed. I hurt myself bad one time doing that. So, I talk in my sleep, move, snoring and all. The one thing that I just really hated was when someone starts listening to me in my sleep. I'm like look I'm having a conversation that I don't know about so when I wake up don't ask me about it. Roman use to do that. On the rare occasions that he wakes up before me he would just be looking at me. He would ask well who is this person or whatever. I'm like I don't know. Dreaming When I usually dream about that people that I know it usually means that I need to talk to them for some reason. I use to have this all the time. The last person that I had a dream I have no idea why. I haven't thought about that person since I left high school. They have no meaning to me.

2006-05-03T12:31:00.000-04:00

So, I've finally decided to let the dollar store go and I think I'm going to start working for the same company that my sister works for. I was talking to her today about it and she said don't let them know I know anything about computers. I was like it's going to be kinda to say that I don't know anything about computers when my first job is in front of a computer all day/shift long. She said she was trying to warn me because if they find out I know anything about computers they are most likely going to want me to be a supervisor. I told her that I doubt that because I'm looking for only part-time work which translates to mean when I'm off on my other job and on Sundays. She told me that she was going to tell them that I already know the job them because I help her out sometimes when they are behind in the computer work. Plus that part of it I can do from home.
I had a dream about birttany again this morning. It was weird too. I mean it was like we were in some type of game room closet. She had some cards and different stuff there. When I asked her if she wanted to play one of the cards games, she said we couldn't play because they had the word hunt/hunter/hunting in it. It was like all these rules about these games that we play and couldn't so basically there we no games that we could play because there was always something with the games that we against the rules.

dreaming

2006-05-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure where I was working (It felt something like a k-marts or something but way better stuff/like what department) but I called another department. They had two lines. One of the calls was announced through the pa system. Then when I called over I know I didn't like the person that picked up. Now I don't remember picking up my name tag when I went over but it's important for later on in the dream. I went over with I think it was suppose to be a computer. It was the size of my hp3600 printer. I went over and exchanged cold hello's with the woman I didn't like. She sorta jump when she saw the supervisor coming. A guy around my age. I wasn't nervous or anything around him, but he was crushing on me big time. He talks to me for a moment and I place my printer on the shelf. I follow him somewhere, but it was still in the store. There was a guy already there taking water from one place to the next. The guy said something about 21 water(I forgot the last word). So the supervisor took me over there and said something about the sink and toilet. The guy that was there was already working on the toilet. The thing is that we were under it. Looking up at the ceiling. Plus the sheer amount of water that were coming through the pipes could in no way come from a toilet and sink. Whatever happened I ended up trying to help the guy out and I this huge circle thing and placed under the pipe for the sink. I would let it fill up about half was and then release it. I did for about three time. The supervisor was there yelling at the other guy about why couldn't he think of doing what I was doing. The next thing I know I soaked from neck to toe. The supervisor guy just couldn't stop staring at me. I went to go change. ( I keep a change of clothes in my locker in both the dream and real life.) After starting to make my way to the lockers I'm changed and dry but it looks like i've just popped up in a class of come sort. I sit at a back table. Before I get there I pick up my printer which turned into a keyboard. I started talking to a girl next to me and that's when I notice my keyboard was different from everyone else. My keyboard was the plain gray, pink and light green. When the class was over there was some big deal with these circle, star, crescent, and square shiny shaped paper I had. Anyway the instructor told me that I had to go and face to face tell this lady that I was leaving and her put some of the shiny paper in my hand. I walked over to the other side and there was this blond lady there just uncontrollable crying. I try to comfort her. I told her goodbye and then she like disappeared or something. The only lady left in the room was this pregnant lady that her water should be breaking at any moment. I gave her a small hug though I could feel I wanted to give her a bigger hug. She had on this pink shirt but I couldn't make out the writing that was on it, that was in hot pink glitter. I went back to my sit. The instructor came up to me place on hand on the back of chair and other right in front of me. He seemed different somehow. I asked him for my name tag. He whispered something nasty/mean in my ear. He said that I didn't need it that he did. Then he pull out two of my other name tags. One was from when I was training. Then my regular one. I didn't understand it because I also still had my regular name tag with me. He said something about not being able to let me go back to mine time with it. I argue with him that I need it to bring back to my time. He said soemthing about it will already be there. Then I got a dragon feeling from him. I think then he turned into Father Dennis. (Someone who I kinda trusted and never though would know anything about the....dark arts.) He turned out to be some wizard or something. Then the next thing I know I'm back in my chair at my computer but it was facing my bed. I heard my mom on the phone with the guy that does our lawn. She said to him "I guess I have caught you early but come on by to get some marconi and fish."

I have no idea what that means....but at least it didn't feel real at all

h.b.d.b.

2006-04-29T22:51:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Brittany!!! woo-hoo 12 years olds

dreaming about mr. dye

2006-04-24T17:42:00.000-04:00

I had the a dream about Mr. Dye about two days in a row. The first one i don't really remember but i know he was in it and something about licking the back of a toad and be chased about for not doing somthing he wanted me to do. Then this morning I had another dream about him. I was just starting a new job and one of the girls was showing me what I should and where things go and stuff. When my shift was over and I was looking for some bags to place on the outer registers before I went home. I hear a yelling and I look up to see someone is throwing people out of there way. It was Mr. Dye and he like two other people with him. (I find that out later on in the dream) After I saw him approching I was thinking, "damn how did he find me." I started clamly walking toward the employee's bathroom. When I get in the bathroom everything changed and the bathroom is green and white floors, the green and black walls. The other side of the bathroom was clear and there was a window that was tinted green, black and white. There was a lock on the door. On the same wall as the door There was a big two way mirror. Also inside the bathroom room was a tub and a chair. I think the chair was suppose to be the toliet but it didn't look one just a chair. I saw him coming towards the bathroom through the mirror and he yelled something about out son. I have no idea what he was talking about. Then a child about 3 years appeared in the tub hald naked. I hear the other two guys that was with him start to bang on the window. The child never say a thing or was sarced or anything. I started getting worried when the started punding on the window then I saw some kind of metal coming through the side of the door by the lock. I grabbed the boy and took cover in the corner. Mr. Dye kicked the door in and walked in. That's when I woke up...

MAGI-NATION

2006-04-20T13:32:00.000-04:00

I love this game. I haven't played in a really long time and I did get a chance to on easter sunday. I did lose both times though. I had the decks already made but it was back when I was playing more often so I forgot the how the play of my decks was suppose to go. The person I was playing against also forgot how there decks were suppose to go. He was whatever about it too because the way he had his deck set up was to the energy on the last magi. He forgot how it was suppose to go or whatever. There are like 13 or so different regions in this game. Aderial, Cald, Nar, Naroom, Ortheo, D'Resh, Pardwayn, Brogath, Kybar's Teeth, Weave, Core and Underneath. My favorites are Nar, Pardwayn and Weave. Those are the ones I play the best with. I like Nar because it's snow and ice. I like Pardwayn because you can stalk Woo-hoo!!! I like weave because it was the first deck I ever played with. The point is I miss the game and I wish I had someone to play. So anyone out there looking to play the game I'm always up for one.

Doctor

2006-04-11T00:46:00.000-04:00

I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. Anyway that knows me well enough knows that it's been about 4 years since I been to the doctor. It's wasn't that bad. I've been feeling kinda sick since saturday. (I think the cause of it was doing a work out program at about 1am in the morning and then going straight to bed and not showering before I went to bed.) So I started taking advil cold and sinus. So, I called in on my other job at the dollar store. That morning I woke up and was sore all over and my hands and feet were cold but everything else was like burning hot. I also had a bad headache, you know the kind that hurts so much you can't focus or think straight. I was also sorta losing my balance which was problem the effect of my earache. I would alway stable out before I feel though. I never did get dizzy though. So, I went to my other job at Scc today and then went to the doctor afterwards. It's was so bad. In totally the hold visit cost about $57.00 it was $30 for the visit and $27 for the meds that they gave me. Amoxicillin and Guaifen pse. A couple of years they had to put me on the amoxicillin for like a cold I just couldn't get rid of. When I got home I had chicken noodle soup (that my mom made for me) took the meds and went to bed. When I woke up after that my headache was gone and I was feeling a little better but still hot.

In other news, Kurtis finally talked to me today. I just, it jsut takes him so long to answer back. With him I understand how nolan feels about people not talking fast enough on messenger. He's still sweet though. I have like the most weird crush thing on him. For some reason that I really don't know why I don't want to let him go out of my life. I don't notice how much I miss him until I start talking to him again. He is so much like me and then not at all. He does make me see alot of things about myself that I need to work on. Or I now find what my friends will tell me is so annoying about me. He does the same thing so now I know how they feel.

Get Over it Nolan Ash

2006-04-07T22:44:00.000-04:00

I want to say that to him. It feels kinda mean to say though. He's this great guy and I think he is just finding out how much he touch other peoples lives. I mean knowing him as given me so much hope that is a better life for people. Hope for love. I'm so happy that he found his love at a young age and will be able to enjoy it. One thing I really fear though is that because they love each other so much, if one of them should die i think the other one's soul would die along with them. i feel the same about my mom, my best friend that is like my sister and her baby Nayoree. If something where to happen to them i don't know what i would do. I would be completely broken.

DAY OFF

2006-04-06T10:04:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday I had the day off and I was pretty happy about it. I did acutal cook yesterday. I did try making the nori and it came out okay but I need alot more practice in rolling the sushi rolls. I made some yesterday with pork. I really didn't have any vegetables at the house ready to use for it. So I ended up using some roasted peas that I had brought from the site too as well. So it ended up just being the roasted seaweed(which I wonder if the other seaweed I brought would be any different.) the roasted peas, pork, and the rice of course. I also cooked steak but I did make any of it with it. Then I made some cookies (chocolate chunk pecan) they turned out okay. My mom was shocked that I did actually cook and cleaned up. I totally forgot to take a picture of it. I don't know if it will show up in my email if i take a pic with my camera phone. I will try that though. I didn't put any wasbi. I was giving some to the girl that I work with and she doesn't like hot stuff. though i do like hot stuff i didn't want any wasbi on it because I put pepper on the meat.

CRAYING BABY NAYOREE

2006-04-04T14:26:00.000-04:00

I think my friend might think that something is wrong with me because i don't mind hearing her baby cry. I mean I was holding her the other day and she was kinda just looking at me. Like who is this person. She'll cry and my friend will roll her eyes about it. I think that it's cute. I love to hear her cry and scream. It makes mee feel like i know that she's really alive. I love how her little tounge moves when she's crying and her eyes close up but last time she did it she really didn't have any tears. i can't wait until she gets a little older and i can be more comfortable around her.

Okay so tomorrow i'm going to try to make nori with pork and steak. i hope that i can get everything right tomorrow.

Oh, Nothing Really Going On

2006-04-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Well, nothing much is really going on rigt now. I've gotten extra work this week which is great because my other "job" has been given me any time in the last two weeks. I'm going to try to make some sushi on wednesday. My things from asianfoodgrocer.com is coming tuesday but i hope that it comes when someone is home to sign for it. I would hate to have to wait another day.

Some Quotes I Wanted To Keep

2006-03-30T00:13:00.000-05:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

If that could be, it would be perfect happiness. It's just this way that I love you, kill you..How dangerous! That boy is dangerous all over! Run faster! I have to get far away from him! Or else, those eyes of his will trap me!I don't know what, but I could never forget your smile. It's because your smile looks so sad, like you're in trouble.
Kaori Yuki

That Guy That Works At That Place

2006-03-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

Well, last week this guy that works at rent-a-center (that is like one door down from the store I work at) came in and that day was the first day that he ever touched me. I just noticed today that I don't know his name. He comes into the store all the time. He has the most beautiful eyes. I think he has two kids, I'm not sure but he did bring them into to the store one day. They were so cute too. Anyway yesterday he was all like I'll buy for you if you want one. I really wasn't thinking about it and I was taken off guard bye it. I was all funny about it and was like, "ummm why? no really why?" I was like because it was no mystery that I have three jobs so I don't need anyone's money. I know that he knows that too. Anyway today he comes in and asked me about my necklace. It's just this pendant on a black cord. the symbol on the pendant is the symbol that was on the orbs in the show roswell which is like something I am/was obessed with. We got into this conversation about sci-fi shows. After he left Pam a girl I work with started talking to me about him. That she loves his eyes, that he so easy to talk to, an all around joy to be around. She didn't know that he had kids though. But for the most part I do agree with what she was saying. I think that he is a great guy but other than that i've never really thought about him until now.

I still think about that guy sometime. Brain I was just asking about him the other week and i just missed him. He had came into the store the night before. He is just so nice and sweet. Well, he seems that way anyway.

Hurtful Dreams

2006-03-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

Most of the next entries are going to be from an older journal I use to keep on this site i use to go to all the time. I don't have much interest in the site now.

Hurtful Dreams
I use to have wake up all the time and something would have happened to me to somehow. I use to find cuts on myself all the time. It hasn't happen for awhile though. The other i woke up and the corners of my mouth was hurting. It's wasn't like a cut or anything but like something bothered the skin there. It was like i have a gag on but has a reaction to the fabric of the straps on it. I don't know though. They are slowly giving more manger's stuff to do at the dollar store. Yesterday they had me doing markdowns. That is something that they usually only have mangers to do because you have to use the softorder gun to that. then they had me recover the store which is somthing that the mangers usually do. So i'm not sure what they are trying to pull.The other ady i asked my nephew if he wanted to go to the movies since I was off that afternoon. He didn't have his schedule yet so he didn't know. When he got it he wasn't able to go. Then like he calls me the next day and was telling me what he said to this girl that he was going to take with us. So, damn girl that i don't know even know and before he knew whether he could go or not if he knew that he wanted to bring that girl he could have at least asked first.....I think sometime next month i'm going to go take my written test. i don't know yet.

Cutness Overload

2006-03-28T10:41:00.000-05:00

I saw my friend's baby yesterday. Her Name is Nayoree she was 7lb and 1oz when she was born. She was awake yesterday. The last time I saw her she was sleep. Tiffany (her mother) was all like she's just looking at you. I'm like yeah well she's like who is this person? I've never seen her before. I'm going to fight! she's really cute she bawls up her little fist and put them in front of her face like she's about to start boxing. So very very cute. She of course doesn't have very much in the way of eyebrows. She does have a full head of hair though. Her eyes still sorta stick together when she opens and closes them

Movies

2006-03-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

I finally saw three movies that I've like been wanted to see for a good while now. I saw Closer, Sideways and Romeo Must Die. I did like them all. Romeo Must Die is just about what I expected it to be. Though I thought that DMX would have a bigger role in it. Closer was not what I expected it to be. I thought for someone reason it would be more emotional. Maybe it was just my view of it. Maybe I'm just not connected enough to the story and what's going on it to really feel it. I think it was very real the way it ended. I mean how many of us know or go through ourselves at a certain point where we don't want to be hated. Not going to take another failed relationship. Don't want to be that person who can't make it work with anyone. Sideways did start off really slow. The first time I put it in I fell asleep on it. So, I finally finished it today. it was interesting once the girls got invovled. It was so funny at the end with the last girl he sleeps with.

I know I should be posting all this other stuff but I just don't feel like it. I can believe what this dumb ass guy is saying. ohmigod. My friends are going to have a laughing fit over this. Well, friend to be more accuarte. I only tell one of my friends that kind of stuff about what I'm going through with the guys that I date on the rare event that I do have a date. I just I'm going to just like give this guy paul the run around. I didn't really like what he had to say the first time on the phone and franly if I just wanted sex I have three people that I can call anytime I want for that. One of my questions that I ask everyone when I meet them or chat with them or whatever is what are you obessed with. I think to me that it shows that you have interest in other things. Plus you have real feeling for it.

Sign Name

2006-03-22T15:30:00.003-05:00

I was talking to my nephew online last night. He's like where did you get that sn? Am like i don't know what you are talking about what is a sn? oh okay that. On msn you can change your name thingy to anything that you want it to be. Well, my friend Nolan had posted this poem he wrote sometime in 2005. So from that poem i got this SN that i put up on my account. "I FIND DEATH WITH YOU BECAUSE WHEN I AM EMBRACED BY YOUR SMILE I SEE A BEAUTY THAT COULD ONLY END MY WORLD." I got from his poem 'lukewarm devotion'. Well I have more things to say about him and his writing but I'll save that for another time.

I feel so bad about not really posting as much as I feel I should. I know how I feel when my friends that I view online haven't updated it. I'm not to worry about that here because i haven't told anyone about this journal so it's just poeple who look by chance and not really anyone i know. If i was going to start sharing this with people that i know i would have to edit like so much stuff out. I know that is what Evelyn Lee does. So many people that she in her everyday life goes her site that she says she is careful about what she does post. basicly it can come back and bite her on the ass.

Feeling Unconnected

2006-03-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

I was watching a show last week and it was a comedy show but they talking about alot of things that made sense. I mean like there was this one indian guy talking about how white people but dreamcathcer in there car. He's like dreamcathcers are to keep bad spirits away while you sleep. They put them in their car....that's why i won't ride with white people.....anyway this other guy was talking about hitler. That we know from history that he is a monster and evil guy or whatever. Though we know this and what he did was horrible, we never think if only i could get that guy in alley somewhere. I think the reason for this is because we are disconnected from the horrible actions that this person set upon the world. We didn't directly feel it so we don't have the emotion or hate or whatever it is toward this person. it's a whatever sort of thing because we didn't live though. So that makes me question the things that are going today. how do we connect with what's going on when most of us live our lives not caring.

gone gone gone

2006-03-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

I'm just so upset about my other online journal just disappearing. It was on diary-x. Went there the sometime last week and everything from everyone is gone. I was so mad, this always seems to happen to me. Is it just me? Can I just not pick good sites that if a crash happens, they have someone that can fix it.

I brought my review home from the other day and showed my mom. She's like what's the book about? I was confused because I didn't know she was talkig about my review. (which I did pretty good in. just one area I need to really really work on. I got a 2.5% raise which is good I mean it's way better than my other job at dollar tree. They didn't even give us (by us I mean alisha and i) our reviews to even get a shot at a raise.) Then she like not having me come in at all today. I only work on sundays. So, now this week she doesn't have me coming in. Well, fine. Of course I say that right now but i'm going to be missing the check next week. Anyway the review itself was only about 8 pages long plus my comments(2 pages).

I got a call from Aron like yesterday. Dude you are so lucky I just topped up my phone. I had 10 whole cents on there. But it was interesting to hear his voice, even with all the noise in the backround. He sounds like he looks on webcam. So, I don't know we really didn't talk about much. I mean I don't really know what to talk about with him like on the phone because you're like right on the spot. 'Like come on hun you're wasting my time.' But then it's not like he was all info sharing either. I don't want to ask to many questions and I don't want to talk all the time either because it makes me feel selfish. Now I'm like wondering what he thought of me and my voice....

I don't know why but lately I've been having this strong feeling of wanting to draw a fairy. It's the same feeling I had about this jar of stuff i made. A fairy lived in their. I think it was a water lavender fairy. I don't know everytime I looked at it I was a or rather the fairy in there.

Review Time

2006-02-22T20:52:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow I'm getting my review at work. Some things they think I do really well on. I know I could be nicer to be people. Sometime I don't notice how harsh I am with someone until after the fact. I know I have to stop getting so annoyed when people just walk up to my window when I'm not ready for them or if I'm counting or something. That is so how I got throwed off today. I was could and somehow got the wrong number stuck in my head and when I was leaving I still had that number there when that wasn't the right number it was. I do really like my job though. I just wish I was better at explaining things to people. I don't know, usually I think I'm being pretty clear then the member would try to repeat or say back what they understand. Makes me so confused sometimes. I mean I would have no idea where they get some of what they are saying from. Then again the center does do thinks that they really shouldn't so, you never know what to do. I mean I remember when I was in training and the Trainer was so excited that I that question right in like under 7mins. She said that some people just didn't get it and they were there for an hour or more. I'm guessing she wouldn't move on until they got it. So, that made me a little proud. Then when I get to the center I was working at, they are doing what I just said that we couldn't do. They said that we've been doing it for so long now that they aren't going to stop doing it. So I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

So Joseph, goodbye. You don't talk to me anymore. I'm not going to call you because it has to be before 8 or 9pm whatever you said. Let's face it I lost interest in you when you said I can't leave marks on you. Then even more when you all like i can't wax you or paint you. Well whatever, if you are going to be around me you're going to get bitten every once in ahwile.

So I saw fd3 with my friends the other night. It was pretty good for it to only be like an hour long but i wasn't mad that I spend my money to go see it. Then we went to applebee (not sure on the spelling) that was my first and last time there. The Service was not that great the waitress was really not interested in a tip. The food was cold and intimation, there was a hair in one of my friends food and just a horrible experience.

Aron...what am i going to do with you?

2006-02-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, since Aron told me that he was going to be out at sea so he wouldn't be on messenger. He was like you can still e-mail me though at ******@****.*** so of course i did and send him a letter or note or whatever telling what e-mail address i'll be mailing him from. So i think i've sent him about 3 e-mails and he is still kinda joking like well, this is the first time you've e-mailed me so no i don't know who me is :) i'll post the emails later. I just think that it was real slick the way he played it off though not really saying to much but still wasn't all that sure of who i was. Just that i knew who he is.

Today is the day that my friend's baby is due. I did talk to her today. I miss her. I hope motherhood is not going to be to overwhelming for her. She'll have plenty of help though. I wish there was more i could for her. So anyway she is the girl's oic that is on my link for the one thousand blogger thing. So that her my best friend. I've started making a scrap book for her and the baby i hope she likes or something.

Reply emails from aron. He makes me feel so long winded.....
'hi it's me'
lol...but since this is the first time you e-mailed me I'm not quite sure who you are, lol. As to your questions: things are busy, nothing really new, and I have no free time(being at sea I work 18-22 hour days) As to your question about sleep, I don't think it's insulting, honesty is crucial to a relationship.

That's cool, I still don't recognize your e-mail address...lol

Lol...sorry, I have your e-mailed saved on my laptop, not here, so I saw it, combined with my little sleep....yeah :D great to hear from ya. Where do I fall in your friend structure?
And believe me anything from home is not boring, talk as much as you want, it's a welcome break from the navy life.

:D
well where do you want to place me?

Why don't you brusie?

2006-01-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

I totally loved it when Daniel Blum said that to Ofreo in "Fiend". That statement made me like daniel as a charcter in these stories even more. I mean I totally feel that way too. So, Joesph yes that pissed me off when you said I couldn't leave marks on you. I am a bitter. I like to bite people. Anyway I'm having like a craving to be with a girl now. Oh, and NO, you can't join in, you can't watch and you can't know who she is. I not going to share anymore. Mine Mine Mine and that is all there is to it.

I feel right now that i'm being hard on my "friends". Or rather i'm not putting up with their shit as much and now it seems that i'm losing them. The only problem is that i don't make friends so easy that I can just be whatever about it. Miss Tiffany Jones....I've tried with you. I call you and call you to make sure you're okay and you never answer or call back. So, tomorrow is my last try. I will make my last try in being your friend. Now I do love you but I will now be ignored any longer. I've always felt that if something is important to you, you will make time for it. I've seen you once in three years then can't get a call back. So it's clear that I'm not important to you anymore. I know you have your hands full but once again if I was important you would make the time. You don't. I was planning to make a full come back in your life and be a real part of you and your child's life. Now in this three year period of not seeing you, the only contact information about me that has changed is my cell phone number. So i feel there is no reason for not contacting me if you really wanted to. Remember what you said about Sheena and why you really stopped talking to her. Well that is the same reason i stopped talking to you. Why should i be the one making the effort all the time. I still love you like a sister. I will be there for you if you are in a terrible need of someone. If i don't see an effort made then that's all it will ever be.

Nolan is forgiven of course because i couldn't be mad at him if i wanted to. Besides we are mainly just penpals.

Val i ask for you forgivness because i should be a better friend to you. I do miss you very much. Then again my home number hasn't changed either.

last of journaling transfer

2006-01-28T01:15:00.000-05:00

When I look at this picture I see my friend tiffany and I. Tiffany is the one with the blue dress on. The one with alot of power not only in what she is doing but in every aspect of her life. Now that i actually read the rest of this.....it's a load of crap. so i'm not going to post the rest of it.

reading of vampires

2006-01-25T09:51:00.000-05:00

So, I've recently finished reading the series of vampire books by jemiah jefferson. I do like the way she put things in her book. In the last books she puts things in a way that I never thought about. I mean I've expected that vampires can't have babies...like duh! But I had not even thought about that for women that where turned they would stay in the same state until other death. One of them was on my cycle when she was turned so she will always be on her cycle throughout her vampire life. I would not be able to handle that. I mean i have been there before. I've been for a time where on I was on my cycle for a year. It's not fun at all. I still hate getting it. My mom hates when I get it because i'll be all frowned up and she's ask me what's wrong and I'll tell her, "I'm a girl" She's get so mad at me about that. Sometimes she'll be playful about it and be like "again?"

A poem or something

2006-01-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me from Eli like 6 years ago

My Thoughts Of You

how can you love someone
with a feeling so passionate that it makes
your heart skip a beat at
the sound of his voice?
How can feel his hands on you
when he has never touched you?
how can you feel his lips kiss yours
when you has never whispered your name in the night?
a love with sucj passion that life could have never knowit it in you wildest dreams
or lif it wouc hever be possible woudl you truen it away in the that it could not be real for you had never know such a love. for this love i would take the chance of heartbreak
for i have known a lifetime of hearbreal and heatbreak in itself is of a temporary nature if we allow it to be
but to know just one moment in my life with such passion such feeling such want such need
i owuld give myslef entirely without regret
without sorrow without remose to you
your wants
your needs
your love
your life
to deny sch a love could be the most fatal ofmistakes
to deny myself your love would be an in justice within itslef to the name of love
the love you wait a lifetime for
a love so strong that heaven or earth could stop it from being
a love for you and I
a love for eternity

transfering J to J

2006-01-23T22:01:00.000-05:00

The first page was about mike f. so it's not that important so i'm going to copy that onto here. The next page starts i poem i use to love.

CANDY APPLE RED
as I sit here
with swollen cheeks
and tears still drying
upon my face
but leaving tracks behind
on the skin they've cleansed
like two snails
in the world's slowest race
I wonder about things
i could have done differently
and if i could have changed
would things have turn out the same?
in so much despair and fear?
would i still be so hurt and so mad?
that i'd still hang my head in shame?
so here, i still sit
hands coverd in blood
bright like candy-apple red
with water floating up past my toes
a richer red, alomost purple like a turnip
i hear the soft music of water
as it continues to fill the tub
and see bubbles coming from her nose
the last bit of air escapes from here
and i look once afain at the rips of flesh
just below her hands
the blood has stopped it's gushing flow
but occasionally a drop falls
mushrooming spreading outward
seperating into other drops
color thinning as it goes
the tears came again
freshening my drying face
"why" i ask myself "did you do this to yourself?"
but the answer never does come
and i'm left to wonder on my own
i draw blood from my own hands
as the nails dig deep into the skin
of my clinched fists and my fingers
still colored candy-apple red go numb
gravity takes it's toll
and i sink to the floor
bruising my jeans with her blood
the thought still runs through my head
"what could i have changed?"
and suddenly i can't take anymore
and begin to faint
wisihing that i woo could be dead
as i lay on the floor
drenched with candy-apple red.

Then there is EDEA'S Speech

....Lowlifes
....Shameless fithy wretches
How you celebrate my ascension with such joy
Hailing the very one who you have condemned for generations
Have you NO SHAME?
What happened to the evil ruthless sorceress from you fantasies?
The cold-blooded tyrant that slaughtered countless men and destroyed many nations?
Where is she now?
She stand before your very eyest to become your new ruler
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
A new era had just begun
This is reality
No one can help you, sit back and enjoy the show
Rest assured you fools your time will come
this is only the beginning
let us start a regn of terror
I will let you live a fantasy beyond your imagnations
[let us end this ceremony with a sacrifice]

eli
michael
david
joseph
william
other michael
jsuting
kurtis
david
dita and john
roman
joseph burns
max
aron

talking to friends

2006-01-21T23:37:00.000-05:00

so this is a letter i got from a friend that i haven't talked to in awhile

…Would be a fair question to ask yourself. Heh.Sorry it’s been ages since I wrote (If I freely admit that I suck for notwriting sooner, does that make it any better?)I’ve been spending my recent months in the throes of addiction, workstress, generally an existential funk. Been working for the insurancecompany since January ’05 and the work is definitely the sort that cangrind a person down. I figured a desk job would always be better than anything retail, but Ithink I’ve corrected myself there. Heh. Not only am I doing “customerservice” stuff all day on the phone, but it’s like having a big long lineof “trouble customers” to deal with rather than just your run-of-the-millregister ringing. People are stupid. They can’t handle the fact that they (or their preciousteenage daughters) just MIGHT be at fault for that accident. Thematerialism is disgusting when people couldn’t care less about the injuriesinvolved, but only want to know when the paint damage to their preciousbaby car is going to be fixed… You get the idea. I’m ready for a new job. Or after the fact that I’ve been working nonstop since I was only 16, I’mready to just not work at all for a while and let Alan carry more of the load.Alan’s still doing his internship thing. 24-32 hrs/week programming for ahousing company. He’s bored more often than not, but getting good workexperience that’ll look great on a resume. His coworkers are a littlematerialistic/bloodthirsty (buying up property in New Orleans area whileit’s cheap because of Katrina, for example) but at least he doesn’t have todeal with customers. He can set his own pace and just do his job. GoodLord, I wish I could do the same…So yeah. Work is work. And I hate to be the type of person who definesthemselves by their career, so I’ll try focus on the free time.When I get home exhausted at the end of each day, I usually crash in frontof the computer. From... when? February to October or so I had the VampireHunter D RPG online. That was a /great/ “waste” of time. Totallyincreased my writing skill and was a load of fun. Only kicker was the factthat it totally stole my time away from Alan. And, of course, it wasdemoralizing when the site got shut down twice, not to be resurrected afterthe second time… Another good thing that came out of the RPG is that it’s the inspirationfor a new novel I’m writing [in my head] called, “Almost Human.” Goodstuff there. I made sure to cut out all the VHD-specific stuff so as notto infringe on copyright, but it’s loosely based on the main originalcharacters I was writing about. Set in a post-apocalyptic world… I’ll boreyou with the details if you’re ever interested. Hehe Now I’ve got thatnovel as well as “Bard’s Lie” cooking and they’re both getting prettywell-formed. Throw in the fact that I think I could probably stretch theVampire Kole fiction into a novel-length manuscript, and I’ve got some goodideas down (so even if I write out one manuscript that gets rejected bypublishers, I can sit down and start working on a second or third)Which brings me to my next point: I might get to stop working and writefull time soon! Yay! Alan graduated college in December. I was tryinghard not to be a nagging bitch about him job hunting (mistake on my part)so rather than starting his job hunt 3 months before graduating like hereally should have, he didn’t really start until he’d already graduated. The one place we knew we did NOT want to live is California. The plan wasto move to Canada, but that proved harder than we originally thought. There’s two ways to get a visa to move up there: You need a “business”visa where you have at least one year of full-time technical work (my yearof insurance work counts, but Alan’s only been part time the last year forhis computer programming) or you need a company to extend a job offer. Butof course, no company is going to extend an offer to someone out-of-countryunless you can already legally work in Canada. So it’s kind of a Catch-22. Alan’s applied to a fair number of Canadian companies, but he’s been alsolooking inside US as a back-up plan.We’ve mostly been focusing our search in Seattle, WA and Portland, OR. They’re liberal/democratic, more laid-back culturally, and still closeenough that we might see our parents once in a while. (But we gotta focuson large cities that would have computer programming jobs for Alan). Alan’s ideal job would be to work as a programmer for World Vision(Christian-based non-profit organization that’s in Seattle and helps peoplein the third world) but he hasn’t heard back from them yet. He just hisfirst call-back from Amazon.com (also based in Seattle) and he’s got anover-the-phone technical interview scheduled for this week. So he may havea job offer in just a week or so! (If you’re the religious sort, yourprayers for him getting a job would be greatly appreciated)The reason I’m gnawing on the desk in eagerness for Alan to get employed isnot just so I can leave my current job or so we can make more money. If hegets employed, we can leave the state and hopefully find a morekind-hearted (or at least less materialistic) culture outside of CA aaaaandhis one income would be about as much as our current combined income whichwould give me the chance NOT WORK for a while. I think I’d go stir crazyand get bored before long and pick up a job (at least part time)eventually, but I’ve been working 1-4 jobs all the time for the last 8years of my life while Alan usually works 0-1 job, so I’m ready to let himtake the burden for a bit. And not only that—I’m going to finally write my book! Without a 10-hourjob sucking up all my free time like the corporate leech it is (whew! Bitterness coming through there…) I’ll have all day to get my ideas down. Writing full-time, I could finally have my manuscript written in just 3-5months to submit for publication, and that’s assuming I only write 3pages/day. Plus, if I have tons of time at home, I could keep the houseclean and learn more gourmet cooking than mac ‘n’ cheese, plus all thoseother things I’ve been hoping my life could be one day… All things gowell, and I’ll soon be published. =) Then I can write as a second sourceof income and if I get well-published enough, then it can be Alan’s turn toquit and I’ll support us both for the rest of our lives with my writing. So we’re kind of playing “income leapfrog” right now. Hehe.In the meantime, this waiting game is killing me. It’s like there’s allthese beautiful glimmering things just over the horizon, but in themeantime, Alan and I have no idea where he’s going to work, what state oreven what /country/ we’re going to live in… We may have a job offer in aslittle as two weeks or as long as another 3 months… Alan’s getting an eyetwitch (the kind other people can’t see, but he can feel) and chest painsfrom the stress, so for both our sakes, I hope we can find our future soon. I want to have a house instead of an apartment, I want to write my novels,I want…So in the meantime, Alan and I are both working in jobs we know we have nointention of staying with. We’re living in an apartment and city we haveno plans to linger in. It’s a little depressing in the meantime. We’rediscouraged from meeting new people or exploring our own neighborhood,since we’re just going to leave soon anyway. Thus, we spend all of our free time hiding away indoors in our apartmentblowing our free time on the stupidest crap as if we’re just trying tofast-forward through life. Ever since the Vampire Hunter D board shutdown, Alan and I got addicted (I mean this literally) to an online game,World of Warcraft. If you’re looking for a good time sink, this is it. The game is a total blast to play and there’s hundreds and thousands ofhours of gameplay and always new things to explore. It kind of took ourlives over to the point that the second we’d get home, we’d just online andplay (always together at least). But it got the point where we never wentout, we never exercised, cooked together, or did anything but play thatdamned game. We even pretty much stopped cleaning the house and our sexlife took a dive.If we weren’t frantically grinding through cyberspace in that game, we’d bewasting our time with cheesy movies. We don’t have even basic cablebecause we both dislike TV so much, we got the “all you can rent” pass atBlockbuster. From there, we just rent dozens and dozens of movies eachmonth. But not artistic movies or thought-provoking ones—we’d just pick upthe dumbest, cheesiest horror movies or action movies we could find. Thencrash on the couch and drink ourselves into oblivion while watching comehorrible movie. We were never really that into the horror genre (or badmovies) before, but lately we can’t get enough of it. As corny as itsounds, I think it was a subtle form of self-punishment. At least,speaking for myself. Drinking until you can’t remember the day before andwatching movies that don’t stir your brainwaves beyond a flatline… It’skind of like sleeping around with people you don’t respect or doing anyother disgusting habits that degrade more than entertain.Bah. Trying to overcome that. Alan and I just recently (and I mean, “justlast weekend” recently) realized what an addiction the online game hadbecome. We cancelled our accounts, bid goodbye to our in-game friends andfelt immediately FREE. We took a 2-hour walk around our neighborhoodholding hands and just enjoying the weather. No pressure to be doinganything else, just enjoying each other’s company. Spent the whole daysober and offline was a wonderful feeling. Finally being free from theshackles of gaming addiction is also what finally got me around to writingthis painfully-overdue letter. =) So, huzzah!Anyway, I’m kind of glad I’m writing this now rather than a week ago. WithAlan getting his first job call-back on Friday and us ditching the gamehabit on Saturday, I’m a much happier person lately. This looming cloud of“uncertain future” is still clawing at my insides, but at least I knowwherever we’re headed is going to be good. Well, different at least. =) A new job, a chance to write, to grow, to hopefully buy a house and get apermanent address and do something more meaningful with myself.Alan just got an X-Box 360 as a graduation gift, so he’s got games to playand his digital art to work on, but I’m still looking for a new hobby toscrew around with. If you know of any good online forums or text-basedRPGs I could try out, let me know, won’t you? I’m thinking of biting thebullet and writing a Blog sometime, too. Just gotta kick my reflexivedistaste from assuming those things are always angsty and “emo”. HeheThanks (belatedly!) for the generous birthday presents. =) We're so cheapwe never turn on the heat, so the candles were awesome (and we've alreadyhappily burned them away to nothing from so many lightings) and the nicebath stuff was motivation for us to bathe together which we haven't done inforever. I apologize for being so bad about writing you back, but I really-do- appreciate the way you remember our birthdays and wish us well aroundthe holidays. I'm wonderfully happy with Alan, but we're a little aloneand isolated together, you know? It's nice to have a friend thinking of uson the holidays.Sorry again for me taking so effing long to write you back (and for thisletter being so long-winded and self-centered). If you get some free time,I’d love a reply letter to find out what you’ve been up to lately. Did youhave a good Christmas? I hope 2006 is getting off to a good start for you,too...Thinking of you (NXXXX XXH)

for the start of this letter i don't even remember the question i asked. But i'm really happy to hear from him.

taking it online

2006-01-17T00:26:00.000-05:00

I guess the first thing that I'm going to do when I make a real post is to start to transfer my real journals online. After that i'll probably throw away eveything and start over. There is only one of my journals that i'm going to keep and i'll place alot of this from other in it and that is the red journal. I've haven't done anything with it in a long time so it's about time. I guess that is the whole thing about it. Making time to get it done. i always find something else that i should be doing or just plain lazy and don't do it.